My New Years Resolutions:
1. I resolve not to band baby birds, just incase they go back to mommy and daddy to report the abuse and then come after me to peck my eyes out.
2. I resolve not to feed the birds, because what does that get us but a lazy, discontented rabble instead of a thrifty working class.
3. I resolve not to use recordings to call owls, so they don’t strain their throats responding to my voyeuristic needs to hear and count them, especially on CBCs.
4. I resolve not to walk in the woods, to prevent stepping on worms or insects that birds might feed upon.
5. I resolve not to drive to see any birds, to prevent smashing insects on my windshield which could be the bug that a dying bird needs to feed upon.
6. I resolve not to drive anywhere so that my carbon footprint doesn’t add to climate change and harm a tree that some bird needs for a nest site.
7. I resolve not pluck body plumage feathers for researchers doing DNA analysis on Shrikes to determine if we need to split apart or lump together species.
8. I resolve not to stare to long at eagles with my binoculars, because it might give them an inferiority complex because my eyes appear bigger.
9. I resolve not to use the ABA four letter codes without first using the common name, in order to not offend someone on the listserve.
10. Finally I resolve to lock myself into a hermetically sealed chamber powered by solar power that filters my body waste and carbon dioxide exhalation, so that I don’t make any impact on the world whatsoever. God forbid, I’m also a part of Nature.

Thanks from No Impact Man,
Keith Brink
Liberty, MO
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P.S. For those without sin go ahead and cast the first seed.
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