On Sat, 16 Jul 2016 10:25:06 -0500, Carrol Cox <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>I haven't been following this thread so I don't know who or what you are translating, _but_ the following cadence --
>Then, towards evening,
>-- leaps out. Perhaps the pause at the comma underlines the weight of "towards." Anyhow, I like it.
Thanks Carrol but that was an easy line. The French was "Puis, vers le soir," I fought myself about using "Later" instead of "Then." A poet could give good reasons why one is better than another. I just went with the one I liked best.
My ISP fixed the problem I had with my website and so that four-frame webpage with the original French plus translations is now available. Most will prefer the four frame version. But since you use large fonts you may prefer visiting each version of the poem separately.
Four frames: http://www.theworld.com/~raparker/temp/bonneyfoy-neige/bonneyfoy-neige-framer.htm
My line 10 ("A weak wind's toe") would likely be changed for publication. I was mocking Eliot's whirl/word/world there.