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MOBIRDS-L  June 2009, Week 2

MOBIRDS-L June 2009, Week 2

Subject:

An open letter to our state bird

From:

peter keyel <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

peter keyel <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 21:25:38 -0700

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (39 lines)

To our state bird:

Although I am happy to donate blood to ensure that our state bird will never be threatened in the state of Missouri, there are a few ways in which you could make the donation process easier for all involved:

A) The face and hands are off-limits. I know I tend to hold my hands out there in the imitation of a good landing platform when I'm watching another bird, but I would appreciate it if you could use a different part of my body, like my arms, or my legs. Likewise if you could avoid the face, it will help me positively interact with others of my species. Trust me, I need all the help I can get.

B) While I enjoy hearing all bird songs, especially yours, I would appreciate it if you did not choose to sing right in my ear. This makes it harder for me to enjoy all of the other birds singing or even to concentrate on identifying tiny birds hopping around behind leaves in treetops. I have a hard enough time identifying them when they're in plain view ten feet away.

C) While it's great you show no fear of me, unlike most birds, it would be more sporting of you to make finding you a challenge. Ask a parula or a bell's vireo for advice if you're having trouble thinking of good ways to hide in plain sight.

D) While I am generally happy to donate blood, there may be times when I do not feel up to it. Normally I will indicate this through the use of various chemicals that you can easily detect. Unfortunately, I tend to sweat these off almost instantaneously on a hot day. Therefore, if you could play it safe and assume that I do not feel up to donating whenever I am sweating, I would greatly appreciate it.

E) I also have a strong distaste for deer and horse flies. I have this unfortunate tendancy to assume anything I feel on me to be one and swat accordingly. While I am working to overcome my paranoia, you can help me by making sure I don't feel you when you do land and ensuring that your saliva has all the necessary anasthetic factors. The need for discretion cannot be overstated here. You could also try landing on my jeans instead of my flesh. I am sorry if I inadvertantly kill one of you; it really was an accident.

Through taking these suggestions to heart you will ensure that Missouri birders as a whole remain proud to have you as their state bird. It will help you maintain your lead over the bluebird and other contenders for state bird. It's even possible that these guidelines may help you solicit donations from those who detest birds. I look forward to many future opportunities to observe you and other birds in the wild and donate my blood for your propagation.

Sincerely,
Peter


Peter Keyel
St Louis, MO
[log in to unmask]

"They say we constitute
The constitutional
With justice here for all
So justifiable
I'm trying not to laugh
But man, it's laughable"
-Styx, "High Crimes and Misdemeanors"




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August 2002, Week 1
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